LUV Language
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It’s been 40 years since Gary Ray, 64, first met his wife, Karren, 59. He has carried the same photo of her — now tattered and faded — in his wallet since 1966. But when he recently took it out to look at it, his eyes welled with tears.
Gary Ray admitted that over the years he has taken his wife for granted, and because of it, he nearly lost her.
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“I was not a good husband to her,” the Lakewood man said. “I loved her, but I didn’t do a lot to show it.”
But he’s worked hard to change that, and the couple say that their marriage is now stronger than ever. Experts say that other couples, too, can take steps to keep from ending up in divorce court.
Anger was a major issue for Gary Ray, who said he didn’t know how to control his temper and was verbally abusive to his wife.
“Our marriage was in deep trouble,” said Karren Ray, sharing that she was ready to call a divorce attorney.
The couple argued a lot and didn’t know how to talk to each other about such issues as parenting, finances and lack of time, they said.
“ We were young, and money and time were problems. We just didn’t know how to deal with the differences and the problems,” said Karren Ray, an executive secretary at Long Beach City College.
In 1984 in an attempt to save their marriage, friends urged the couple to attend a weekend California Marriage Encounter, a nonprofit program whose mission is helping couples’ improve their marriages.
“During the sessions, couples spend private time with each other and are taught tools to communicate without attacking or judging each other,” said Karren Ray, who has served with her husband as a volunteer facilitator for the past nine years.
Gary Ray said that during the Marriage Encounter weekend, layers of hurt and pain peeled off like an onion as he shared his deepest feelings and shed his greatest fears.
“The important thing is that I found out she still loved me, and it was like a dam breaking,” Gary Ray said. “When you keep your feelings buried, you can never heal.”
During the early years of their marriage, they had focused more on being parents to their two children than on their relationship, said the couple, who now have a 3-year-old granddaughter and another grandchild on the way. The weekend gave the couple insights to help get their marriage back on track — at least for a while.
In 1992, the Rays were struggling again. The couple had drifted apart as their son and daughter entered high school and became involved with their own activities. That same year, the Rays, who will celebrate 38 years of marriage on April 8, returned to Marriage Encounter.
“ We didn’t want our old marriage to come back to haunt us,” said Gary Ray, a computer operator for a restaurant and janitorial supply company. “We wanted to bring back the feelings of love that we had after the first weekend, and we came off that [second] weekend just as high as you can get in love.”
New challenges continue to arise. For instance, Gary Ray is ready to retire next year, while his wife isn’t ready to take the plunge. To avoid future conflict, the couple continues to discuss such retirement issues as how they are going to spend their time and how they will give each other space.
With the daily nurturing the Rays give to their marriage, they plan on being together until death do they part.
“ We knew how much we loved each other when we got married, and we hoped that it was still there and that we could find it,” Karren Ray said. “We were hoping that it was a relationship worth saving — and we found that it was.”
Excerpt from "Couples can pull their marriages back from the brink of divorce ’Til Death Do Us Part?" By Debra Cano Ramos, Special Advertising Sections Writer. Debra Cano Ramos is a freelance writer based in Orange. |
